My Cancer Experience : Part Two - Finding Out & Telling Others

If you know me separate to stumbling across my blog you may know that I went through a battle with cancer a few years ago. This was initially my motivation for starting my blog to give people going through it, friends and family of those going through it or those who have been through it some information and an insight.

I did do an initial post talking about how I discovered something was wrong with me, which you can find here.

This post will be about my experiences telling other people and how other people treated me.

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Disclaimer: This is in no way me pointing fingers at people in a malicious way. I just want to highlight to you all that this can happen to any of us or any of our loved ones I was only 23. I want to bring to light how I personally felt and how it could be handled differently by myself and others.

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Finding out myself:

After taking myself to hospital (as per my last post) going through the process of people of having blood tests, CT scans etc over the course of 24 hours. I was stuck in the hospital alone as the hospital I was in didn't have the best visiting hours.

I have this issue I come across often in life where because I look very young for my age people tent to not divulge any information to me directly and wait for my Mum to arrive or somebody that looks older than me. Which when it comes to something like this is very out of order. It's my body and my life any information you have should be given to me directly what if I didn't have a mother or friends to pop in and pass on the message to me.

Anyway I digress.. So randomly in the middle of the day a Dr pulled up to my bedside with 4 student nurses like 'Is it okay if these student nurses sit in while I have a chat with you' at this point I had no idea what was up with me so I agreed. In very little words he basically told me, we believe at this point you have Hodgkin's Lymphoma and will be looking into this further. 

Now I am not a nurse or doctor and this is not something that they teach you in science GCSE so as they all gawped at me waiting for some sort a reaction I was like 'okay' and they shortly left.

I obviously jumped straight on to my phone and googled it.. bad idea! I was instantly bombarded with CANCER & DEATH. In hindsight now my next step was not the best.. but I panicked. I phoned my mum and I literally only said 'Mum. I think I'm going to die.. I have cancer' and burst into tears for the first time. Looking back now I can only imagine my poor mother's whole heart probably sunk into her stomach and smashed into a million pieces on hearing this from her only child but honestly based on the little information I had this was what I was thinking. The Dr had just delivered this life changing information to me so lightly with no loved ones around, student nurses looking at me blankly and didn't provide any further information or 'dumb it down' for me at all.

My mum instantly asked me what was said and ended the call to look into it further. To this day I've never asked her what happened after she hung up I was not in a good place myself at that point. Stuck in a curtained off hospital bed on my own with nobody around me having googled what was wrong with me and assuming the worst.

There was no more visiting hours on the ward after this point so I was left to ponder this information over night. After crying myself to sleep numerous times during the evening I had the joy of being stuck in a ward with five other women screaming and moaning in various pains throughout the night.

The very next day my lovely 5ft0 mother steamed down to the hospital to see me and demand more information. At this point all we knew was it was cancer and it was of the blood.

Eventually after having further tests, heated conversations and scans we got the information that is was stage two Hodgkin's throughout my body most around my lungs (which is why I now have slight lung damage and get chest pains if I do too much) 

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Sharing the news & people finding out:

I personally didn't tell many people face to face I just put it out on my facebook as a short status that this is what is happening to me at the moment and If people can understand why I may not be my normal happy self that would be great. Initially as you can imagine I was inundated with lovely messages and offers of help should they be required.

Finding out what was wrong with me and having an idea of what was to come I decided to hand in my notice at work as I didn't really want to get into the nitty gritty of it with work people who didn't really care for me. So I immediately left work I had not long left my mother's home and got my own place in which I was in a 12 month tenancy for my landlord literally was no help at all and refused to let me out of the tenancy even knowing my illness. So I was stuck with the apartment and no job to pay for it, with the looming idea of going through cancer treatment ahead.

I'll be honest with you not one single person offered to help me, offered me a sofa or a spare room.. but hey. I have been through many bad things in my life and have had to get through it with little or no help so tbh I just got on with it and thought I'll cross that proverbial bridge should I get to it.

During the whole time I was ill and having treatment I would say I lost 95% of my 'close' friends. I'm not sure if they detached themselves because they were scared, because the didn't want to deal with or didn't know how to approach the situation.

Some friends even assumed I would lose my hair and be so ill I wouldn't fit the aesthetic to be seen out with me. People stopped communicating with me and even got upset with me if I wasn't up to attending social events.

I literally had a friend fall out with me because I said 'I might not be able to come out for your birthday night out I will have to see how I feel nearer the day as Chemotherapy can throw me about abit' her response to this was 'You use cancer as an excuse for everything your selfish' True story. Let's just say I am no longer friends with the person to this day for this and many other reasons.

People who I used to spend many days of the week with suddenly lost my number. It showed me that at a time like this you really see who is there 100%.. In my case not many unfortunately.

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Dear Friends and Family:

If one of your loved ones has the misfortune of going through this tough experience (which I hope they never do) I honestly urge you to be there for them in any way you can, because it is something that I would never want anybody else to go through. 

Having not one sole person to turn to when going through this was the hardest part of my experience. If you never put in any effort before or ever again this is the time; make them feel loved, offer positive words, provide them with your company, keep them distracted from what is going on even for a moment. 

Cancer treatment for me and others I have spoken to about it is a very lonely time and the little bit of help I did receive during this time is remembered. 
( I will go into this further next post)


We ( i am guilty too) put so much time in to showing out for social media, taking selfies, working our asses off and even being bored. 

Karma is in your control too, if god forbid you were to take ill:
How many people would legit be there for you? How many people owe you one? 

Before this happened to me I would have sworn up and down everyone would have had my back. Incorrect!

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Thank you in particular to my friends Brina, Faye & Stella who had sleep overs with me, got me out the house & brought me a greggs cakes in the morning etc. Never unappreciated. 

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If you are from the UK and you are dealing with or know somebody who is dealing with the affects of cancer. I urge you to get in contact with Macmillan cancer trust. They honest offered me so much help and support. More than I could have ever imagined.

(I have not been sponsored or asked to say this,  this is from my own experience. I don't have that much influence lol)

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Kylie Jenner x Matte lip kits

As you may already know by now I have a thing for Lip sticks/liners/glosses etc

So it only made sense that I attempt to get my hands on some of the infamous 

'Kylie Cosmetics : Matte Lip kits'

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The first time I tried to order from the site I ended up ordering two of the same colour separately and incurred two lots of custom fee's. Not happy at all.

I received my two lots of 'True brown K' and when they came I really didn't love the colour next to my skin tone so didn't even try them on especially not enough to pay two lots of customs fees.

So I gave up on them and carried on with life. As I do follow Kylie on Instagram I was aware of all the different shades coming out and saw many swatches and youtube beauty 'guru's wearing them in tutorials. I eventually caved one night and was surprise how easy I found the process this time around.

I got myself five colours: 

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Here is a look at them individually including what you get in the box:

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Posie K & Dolce K are my favourite thus far. I have worn Dolce K abit more as it is close to my daily colours I wear at work. They go matte real fast and are very pigmented. Honestly, one application and I still have it on when I go to bed.

God forbid I do have my micellar water with me it would still be on when I woke up.

The brush is just the right size and shape, i despise those weird eye shaped brushes you get in some lip products these brushes are great for drawing on your lip shape with ease.

The colours are true to how they look in the tube but not true to the colour on the box. 

They cost $29 each + $14.95 shopping & £13-17 custom fee per box, I'll let you do the maths because I don't want to think of how much i've spent then it never really happened lol

Below are the tubes all next to each other to show that they aren't all the same colour as some people are stating.

(l-r: Koko, Dolce, Candy, Posie & Kourt)

I've also got some of the glosses but I will post about these separately.

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(prices and details correct at time of publishing. This is not a sponsored post)

Reduce your wardrobe, but stay stylish.

I have a real big neat freak problem but really try to keep my wardrobe flexible for all occasions. I like to go through my wardrobe/drawers every so often have a clear out.

If you currently have an over packed wardrobe, always seem to have 'nothing to wear' even though you're always shopping I urge you to go through you stuff twice a year and throw out things you haven't worn in over a year, that do not fit, with tags still on and things that are damaged.

Stop holding onto things that are blocking you from using the rest of your wardrobe. 

If they are pricey item consider selling them online or to friends/family.


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The money I would usually put aside for new clothes monthly I am going to save and i'll treat myself to something worth it for my birthday and christmas every year.

Trying to stay 'on trend' will only end up costing the world in clothes that will end up thrown away or still with the tags on.. So I want to start living more minimal when it comes to clothes and invest in more key luxury pieces.

It is better to invest in designer accessories than clothes (with an exception to maybe leather jackets) so a good pair of heels, designer bag or a good item of jewellery will outlast any random dress or t-shirt.

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So I will give you some tips on a good place to start for a good mix of clothes for all occasions and some tips on how you can make a good mixture of outfits with them.

This is my opinion of what I could live with if I had to get rid of most of my clothes forever with a combination of these items I can dress for work, to lunch and to run errands.

So the key items are:

• Thick strapped vest tops: Black, white & Grey (and a Khaki or Nude)

• A longline blazer : Black and White.

• Leather jacket : Black.

• Long duster coat : Nude or Pink.

• Black skinny jean : Black.

• Denim ripped jean : Blue and/or Grey.

• Dress shirt : White.

• A good midi LBD.

• A boob tube midi dress : Black and Nude or Khaki. 

• A good pair of shoes : Black and Nude.

• A statement necklace : Gold or Pewter.

• A Clutch bag : Black or a pop of colour.

• A Good lipstick : Red and Nude

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We all know we are gonna end up buying something every now and then. If you want to expand your closet further but keep to the minimal life you can try:

• Adding some colour with a bright or patterned blazer. 

• Swap a vest for a short sleeve t shirt for winter. 

• Make an plain outfit stand out with a bright clutch bag and shoes combination.

• Try a band t shirt or shirt with a small graphic on for a more relaxed look.

• Experiment with jewellery, hats, lip colours and hairstyles.

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Shoes: I have been investing in barely there heels but in a range of different colours, just to change an outfit up easily. I plan to get myself a pair of Louboutin Fifi in black for my birthday because I love the nude ones so much for a closed toe shoe option.

One good pair of trainers is great to throw in the mix so a pair of white converse or adidas superstars are great for a minimal wardrobe.

Vests: I always get my basics vests from Primark or H&M because I find higher end vests tend to get loose after a few washes and just don't sit well on the body. I opt for thick strap vest as I can wear a good bra under it without unsightly bra straps on show which is not a good look ladies. I keep the thin strap ones for under things or bedtime.

Lipsticks: My go to colours are MAC Modesty or Velvet teddy for a nude & Riri Woo or Chilli for a red. 

Jeans: The best jeans I have found so far are Joni or Leigh jeans by TopShop. I love that they stretch and they do the in 3 leg lengths. They do cost around £36-38 each but they are so worth it.

Tube Dress: Tube dresses are great thing to have because you can wear them as a dress, as a maxi skirt or as midi skirt by putting a top over it. 

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(prices and details correct at time of publishing. This is not a sponsored post)

Birthday 2016 Wishlist - Updated

So my 29th birthday is coming up in July so I thought I would put together a wishlist, just for inspiration.

I will probably end up buying most of the things for myself cause I'm so picky nobody would even know what to get for me. So I shall encourage people to get me vouchers to contribute towards these purchases.

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1) Nicole x Bellami Hot tools - $219.99 2) House of CB 'Ayanna' Body - M/L - £69

3) Louboutin Fifi : Black -£425 4) Anastasia Beverly Hills Dip brown Pomade - Dark Brown £15

5) Adidas 80s Superstar - All Back - £94.95 6) Louis Vuitton cosmetic Pouch 26 - £235

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The big 30 next year, what can I do for it? 

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(prices and details correct at time of publishing. This is not a sponsored post)

Melody Ehsani Jewellery

I stumbled across Melody Ehsani a few years ago when I was looking for Stussy t shirts and things of that nature on KarmaLoop. Born and Raised in LA Ehsani had dropped out of law school to pursue her love of design and I for one am glad she did.

I love when I hear a story of a woman who decided to follow her dream against the odds, it goes to show that you are in charge of your own destiny.

 I loved the use of gold and bright colours and originally was lusting after the perspex gun ring but I just never got round to purchasing one.

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So when black Friday came around I decided to "carpe diem" and treat myself as I would save abit of money shipping them to the UK.

My items took a few weeks to come as I had ordered a customised item but I was kept informed of the progress throughout. When they came I instantly (well) noticed the beautiful box, it's a shame customs stick a big azz sticker over everything and ruin it so I had to peel it off to show you guys. Even the tape used to pack the box is fabulous, I'm such a sucker for little touches like this.

I opened it to find a postcard with an empowering message, always a bonus. The items were in a dust bag and had one box each which is great because alot of company's just cram all your stuff into one box which is not what you want when it comes to jewellery. I adore the turquoise blue with the gold detailing.

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I decided to go for a 'Custom name plate necklace' $48 and these cute 'Caged diamond hoops' $30 (currently on sale for $20). I had seen the diamond hoops on Angela Simmons a while ago and decided that I needed them.

So when black Friday came around I decided to carpe diem and get them as I would save abit of money shipping them to the UK.

Available at MelodyEhsani.com

Her store in LA is literally my dream home in a shop, the furniture is very edgy and unique.I plan to go to LA for my 30th birthday (the less said about that the better) while I am there I will get a picture of the infamous wings and will definitely be blogging my experience.

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(prices and details correct at time of publishing. This is not a sponsored post)

Carli Bybel x BH Cosmetics Pallete

Product details:
Carli Bybel Palette - BH Cosmetics

Price: $12.50
Available on BH cosmetics

Review:
By now you will probably know that I am a sucker for a 'beauty guru'/youtuber so the idea of one of my favourites bringing out her very own make up palette sounded just like the sound of my bank card exiting my wallet. 
So I went without haste to the BH Cosmetics site and purchased one, I was even happier when i discovered that it was free international delivery because most US sites charge an arm and two legs to ship to the UK and then you get left with a hefty customs bill on top of that.


The eyeshadow's and highlighters are the perfect shades for me as i love browns and golds, and they are more shimmery than glitter which is right down my alley.

The colour pay off for all are AMAZING, I have swatched the highlighters below and I only lightly touched then then swiped them onto my hand, so left some colour behind.

It has some really great touches like the quote 'Aspire to inspire' written inside just below the convenient mirror and the embossed flowers on each show/highlight. I can really tell that this was made with a passion for the product rather than thrown together.

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(prices and details correct at time of publishing. This is not a sponsored post)

NARS : Laguna Bronzer

Product details:
NARS Bronzing powder - Laguna

Price: £28-39
Available on ASOS

Review:
I am not a big fan of fake tanning or sunbeds, mostly because I just can't be bothered. So I am a very big bronzer user especially now I am attempting to learn to contour.. note I said 'attempting' because I do not yet have the Kim K/cheekbones chiseled by the gods look down yet.
I had heard a lot about this bronzer from friends and various youtubers so I invested in one.. and as you can see I am now on my second one as my first one is basically empty.

I was planning to swatch it but as I am somewhat brown already it's not the best to show the contrast between my skin and a bronzer. This is perfect if you are of a lighter skin tone that myself or brown looking for a subtle bronze which is how I use it and love it for.
The packaging is a bit annoying because it is a rubbery matte finish so can get dirty in your make up bag, but I can get over that because I adore the colour pay off.

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(prices and details correct at time of publishing. This is not a sponsored post)