Growing up my top three biggest fears were losing my hair, not having children and of course losing loved ones.
Unfortunately two out of three of these were things that I would have to face like it or not during this battle.
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Infertility:
If you know me outside of work/the internet/clubs you will know I love all of the kids in my family, of my friends dearly and my long term goal has always been to become a primary school teacher. I have always wanted children of my own and still do hopefully one day.
Of all of the things that ran through my mind when I find out I had cancer I wasn't even aware that fertility could be affected by cancer treatments whatsoever it just isn't something that you associate with it or hear much about. So you can imagine when I was told that this is a possibility I was heart broken to say the least. At the time I found out the severity of this I was in a room with this Dr and my mum as if this big bomb shell wasn't just dropped on me the Dr then immediately proceeded to discuss things like freezing eggs and the process.
I was extremely overwhelmed by all the information I wasn't expecting to be getting on this day and very upset however I instantly had a new found respect for anybody who goes through IVF as it is not an easy process at all. It is not as simple as having the money and all that designer baby stuff that we are lead to believe. Amongst other things you have to inject yourself daily, record all these things about your body in detail, to have the egg fertilised on the NHS they have all these criteria you and your partner have to meet you would honesty think you were adopting not using your own eggs.
I was sure this was not something that I would be willing to put myself through right now to have the eggs taken when I was still mentally preparing myself for the start of the chemotherapy so opted to pass. What will be will be, if I am supposed to have children I will if not I will love my god babies, nieces and nephews like they are my own and look into adoption possibly.
I will say that this is something that years on every day still haunts my thoughts. My goals in life have never really been heavily about earning loads of money, having possessions or travelling. I just always wanted to work, own a home and be a good wife and mother.
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Hair loss:
If you speak to most people these days and mention something like a hair dresser cutting more that a millimetre of their hair off you can literally see them cringe right in front of you, nobody wants to lose any hair no matter how much you have. I have always had very long hair since I was a small child always down to the bottom of my back at least and i’d never been one to do anything drastic to it; When I was about 18 I dyed it pink underneath but thats as wild as I got.
When I found out I had cancer I immediately though I'm going to be sick looking and bald. I wasn't ready for this and the thought of having to wear a wig honestly conjured up all kinds of visions in my mind. Although I am no stranger to things of that nature due to being in a black family which is predominantly women and I had previously used partial weaves, clip ins and glued in some tracks but this had always been an optional extra and I was free to take them out at my will and still have hair.
To most people who knew me at this time and to my own surprise this part was something I came around to the idea of quite quickly and pretty much just thought if this is whats happening there is no point trying to fight it. Around two weeks after my first treatment I went to a local barbers a few streets away and got a section of my hair shaved off of the side (Cassie Ventura style) The guy in there was not trying to do it for me whatsoever, I didn't tell him why I was doing it I just said ‘Look, i’ve come here on my own. I haven't bought anybody for moral support this is my decision and I want it off’ eventually and very skeptically he did it (I will attach some pictures below) the next day I had to attend my Aunts wedding in huddersfield and i’m sure my my family who at this point didn't know anything about me being ill must have thought I was totally crazy.
The first time I noticed a big change wasn't a good experience at all as I rinsed my hair one day which I opted to wash over a bath incase of such occurrence I literally just saw so much of my hair flowing down the bath with the flow of the water. I burst into tears wet hair and all and honestly just sobbed till my hair was nearly dry. I lived on my own at the time and didn't really have anybody to call who I believed would support me. I eventually just went to bed and avoided the mirror at all costs for a few days because I didn't know what to expect.
As my treatments went on I would be so anxious to brush my remaining hair and even waking up every morning I expected to see my whole hair on the pillow next to me, this never happened. It just shed and broke off way more than normal.. after around three months I ended up with really thin hair at the bottom just above shoulder length and it pretty much stayed this way for the rest of my treatment time so I was never bald. It took my hair about a year to grow back, thick and not breaking off and now almost 5 years on my hair is longer than it was before I was ill and in better condition as all the years of my my mum relaxing it and me straightening had long gone.
The hospital do offer a wig fitting service they give you a free wig if you want one and they will even cut it for you, but the options are not the best and for some reason the woman decided a nice Rihanna red would suit me, which I was thankful for but also glad I didn't have to use. Me and my mum did take a nice little day trip to the local “black hair shop” aka beauty supply shops one of the days we had a laugh trying on all kinds of wigs and giving our best Tina turner impressions which I will say lifted my spirits and made me feel slightly better about what options were available to me.
They do also have the option at the hospital to have a ‘cold cap’, this is a gel filled cap you wear during and for a while after your treatment and it is said to reduce the amount of the chemotherapy that reaches your hair follicles. I didn't try this as I had already accepted my fate with my hair. If it works is very much on a case by case basis i've not met anybody who has used one so can't say first hand if this is a good option.
As well as losing your hair on your head you can also potentially lose hair on your entire body head to toe… yes everywhere. In some cases people are said to have different hair colour and/or texture grow back.
Here are some pictures of my hair journey at this time:
Picture one: is when I shaved half and you can see some of my actual hair at the time.
Picture two: my hair 6 months after and 2 years after last treatment
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Chemotherapy treatment*:
I myself was on a trial treatment call ABVD (Adriamycin, Blemycin, Vinblastine, Dacarbazine) minus the B as I had a high presence of cancer in my lungs which the Blemycin could have reacted badly, as a side effect of this is lung damage which the Dr’s felt they did not want to chance as I would already have a chance of this anyway.
Other side affects may also include: Nausea, Vomiting, Low blood count, Allergic reactions, Neuropathy & Infertility.
At the hospital dependant on your state you either sit in a chair or stay in a hospital bed if your are unable to walk/sit etc. Some people have a permanent line put in their vein usually in the chest area or just a standard cannula which is that thing they put in your vein on the back of your hand and put the big sticker over it to keep it still. You may have seen on TV or had one where they can attach a bag and pump things in to your blood stream. As my treatment was bi-weekly I didn't need a line put in so they would give me a fresh cannula every time I went. This sometimes leaves you with a bit of a bruise for a day or two and on one occasion I had a student nurse spray my blood like a horror movie around the cubicle.
They then hook you up to the machine and you literally get pumped with the various drugs one by one, some are just in a small tube that they combine with the fluids, some have to be protected from day light and some make your urine pink. It’s all quite strange feeling and experiencing but interesting, unfortunately I was not allowed to have anybody sat with me whilst I had this I believe due to the radiation so my mum would disappear for a few hours and come back for me later.
I soon learnt to take a big bag of stuff to do iPad, BlackBerry etc and the nurses kept me tea fuelled.
The whole process takes a 2-3 hours all together then in my case free to go about the rest of my day I just had to be mindful that I may start to feel nauseous and weak so would often just go home to relax.
There are some strange side affects you get while having the treatments; mine was mainly the feeling of instantly being itchy over you whole body and some of the drugs were very cold when they go through your body. Also TMI** one makes your urine pink.
The whole process takes a 2-3 hours all together then in my case free to go about the rest of my day I just had to be mindful that I may start to feel nauseous and weak so would often just go home to relax.
There are some strange side affects you get while having the treatments; mine was mainly the feeling of instantly being itchy over you whole body and some of the drugs were very cold when they go through your body. Also TMI** one makes your urine pink.
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Hospital trips:
During my diagnosis, treatment and after care I spent a lot of time at three different hospitals the furthest being around 15 miles away, Approximately 30-40 visits in a 6 month period. Once all of this is over I then had to attend every bi-monthly for blood checks, to be weighed and to check my general health after a year this is reduced to every 4-6 months now 5 years on I have an annual check.
So the hospital appointments don't just stop at your last treatment.
Only one of the hospitals gave us a discount for parking which as you can imagine visiting that often never for short periods of time we ended up spending a lot on over priced parking.
The staff at Wolverhampton hospital I cannot fault one bit they made such a bad time for both me and my mum easier, always willing to help and spoke to me like I was an adult and with empathy. Whereas the hospital I was diagnosed at it was quite a hellish experience I was often stuck in rooms with 5 or very elderly very sick patients who kept me up all night and not being kept informed at all of what was going on until my mum turned up and they would tell her the information.
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Nausea:
For a few days after each course of the treatment you can experience severe nausea and vomiting as a side affect of the drugs. I only experienced nausea on a few occasions very lightly.
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Eating/Diet:
If you do suffer from nausea you are advised to eat things such as baby food.. because it has a decent amount of nutrition without having any strong harsh flavour for your stomach or to come back up.
As I was a stone and a half under my original weight if I could eat it is best to eat higher calorie foods to try to gain weight so cheese on everything, all the foods you would normally eat in small doses are a go to gain the weight back which along with the steroids to help the chemotherapy didn't take long to return at all.
The only other things about the diet you have to avoid is things like blue cheese and raw food due to your white blood cells being low and being prone to illness easier.
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Links to the other parts of this series:
The only other things about the diet you have to avoid is things like blue cheese and raw food due to your white blood cells being low and being prone to illness easier.
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Links to the other parts of this series:
information in this post is of my personal experience and may differ from other cases.
