The other side to cheating..
I have been cheated on, I have witnessed my friends going through the motions of finding out they have been cheated and I’ve also known people who are cheating or attempting to cheat. Although opportunities have arisen I have never cheated on anybody nor have I ever had the desire or curiosity to.
Definition of cheating IMO: In my opinion cheating to me is a physical or emotional exchange with someone of your preferred sexual category of which you would similarly carry out with the person you are in a relationship with. Including but not limited to; Kissing, Sexual intercourse, Sending pictures of a sexual nature, Expressions of desire or attraction to the person directly. Especially if it is done in secret or in a sneaky manor.
Putting the person on a pedestal: Most of the time when you enter into a relationship you don't enter into it expecting a person to do you wrong. You spend time together, you grown and build a trust unlike no other. How many successful couple do you know that would legitimately trust that person with their life quite literally. The type of loving bound you build in a real relationship is probably equal to that of the love for a parent, child or sibling. This person in your eyes is amazing, you love them with your entire soul and you would do anything to make them happy emotional, physically or by gaining possession of an item.
In your eyes almost everything they do is perfect or the flaws they have you adore anyway. If you were to rank the people in your life in order of importance and love for them they are going to be right up there.
Sensing you are being lied to: Because you spend so much time with the person and without even realising you know this person more than they know themselves. How may times has your partner been in a bad mood and you can just sense it or you know the pouty face they have when they are mad. You know this persons routine, the order they do things all the small things that we don’t even notice ourselves. So when this person you know like the back of your hand starts acting different, doing little things that they would never do ever before it definitely raises red flags. You see one thing after another and as a woman you can sense something is a miss.
For instance he has always for years come in a put his phone on charge in the living room, same plus for years because we all know iPhones are pants for battery, now he would rather leave the phone in his coat pocket than leave it out in the open to charge. Now he takes the phone and charger around the house with him like it is powered on human energy. You ask a question about something but the story just doesn't fit that persons pattern.
Eventually you just start to feel it in your soul that this person who you would have sworn kept it 100 with you is hiding something and no matter how much you try and convince yourself you crazy or maybe you’ve just got something confused if your truly switched on to your partner you know and it won't go away.
Acting out of character yourself: Because you have this sense day in day out that something is up after a while and you might have even asked your partner and they’ve told you your crazy you start acting out of character yourselves. I can honestly say apart from one occasion I have NEVER checked a man’s phone, never wanted to never needed to. I might have done the little side look without even thinking too deep just because you hear the notification so you automatically turn for a split second but that was the first time I've plotted to clock his password like some FBI agent so I could go through the phone at a later date. Now a boy will try to convince you that you’re in the wrong for doing this, invasion of privacy or will say you were looking so you found stuff.
Boy bye! As I mentioned in my 30 years on this planet even having instincts something was happening with other exes. This was the first time I ever got to this level to put me out of character where i’m doing some outlandish stuff, did I want to find bad things really in all honestly with my whole heart I wanted the phone to be clean AF. I wanted to see my man curving girls the way I curved guys. No woman I know of even when acting out of character wants to find that kind of stuff for real, trust me a good woman wants to be wrong so bad.
Once I had locked the phone and put it back I thought to myself wow I’ve become this girl, this is not the person I have ever wanted to be but the love for this person and the fact I put them on this pedestal has lead me to seek validation that I am the one who is wrong to have these thoughts rather than them being wrong for doing anything.
Finding out: When you find out that someone has ‘Cheated’ on you, the instant pain and feelings you get are unlike no other. I have had to have some crazy medical procedures, lost family members and all the other crap stuff in life. But heartbreak is a real thing, if you legit have real adult love for that person this is honestly a feeling that stayed with me for ages even after we split up the thought of it caused me real emotional pain almost a sickness men think man flu is bad it is nothing like the feeling you get in that instance.
So many questions run through your mind at once. You start to retrace all those times you though you were overthinking actions, times things didn't add up. Its like having too many tabs open on your browser. Like when could this possibly have happened? How have I been lied to so brazenly? Why? I can honestly say having had to go through such a thing I would never wish it upon anybody else and I wouldn't ever be the cause of inflicting such deep, long lasting emotional pain on a person. The fact that somebody you have this level of bond with could carry out an action which brings upon you such a level of hurt only adds to the whole thing more.
The long term damage that cheating has on people is so real, you would have sworn on anything that this person was trust worthy. How can you even trust your own judgement?
If that isn't hard enough you now have to make the decision do you stay with your significant other and try to work past it or do you go your own way.
Going: Choosing to go your separate way from a person you have created memories, maybe children, a bond and experienced things with is not at all easy. Particularly if you have been with somebody long enough that they have become a big part of you. You are accustomed to being half of a couple, you may have even changed your whole regular routine for this relationship now you are starting with a blank page all over again. It’s not easy especially when you are hurting and you didn't plan to ever not have this person being a part of your life. You have to explain to people why this person isn't around anymore for months after when you are just trying to forget. For ages you come across things you wish you could tell/laugh about/show this person but you can’t. You are in a period of mourning for this person that is still alive and you may even have this misfortune of bumping into them once in a while. It gets better and it just depends on you how long this takes you definitely have to take a lot for mental control.
Staying: I can honestly say my whole life I have always sworn I would never give a cheating man a second chance but I was pursued to try on one occasion partially due to my love of the person, partially due to a type of peer pressure and slightly out of fear of change. I now know this is not for me, everybody is different but I would never put myself through such further hurt and mental torture again. I think in order for it to work real effort from the cheating party has to be excelled, you can’t really go back to everything being normal because a broken heart can't be mended that easily. I also think a lot of people stay these days due to how much something like this and in some cases the relationship may have broken them down confidence wise. They believe they can't do better or they are scared to be alone. They might be so damaged that they can't see that this is unacceptable and just vow to make the best of it.
The long term mental challenges of staying with a partner who has wronged you are wild. Every time their phone goes off now you no longer do a glance you genuinely try to read the screen, when they go out your just wondering is it going to happen again, when they act slightly out of character you are convinced you're going back to square one. What kind of relationship life is that for a person who has not done wrong. It’s this kind of mental torture that encourages more and more ‘crazy’ behaviour. Men love to say women are ‘Crazy’ this is not something that is taught in school this is the side affect of negative experience. A lot of people develop psychotic behaviour due to traumatic experiences this is a real thing.
If you have the misfortune of the infidelity being public or just being known by the involved parties staying with somebody who has wronged you carries an element of shame with it. How many times have you watched reality show or talk show and somebody is talking about the man that cheated on them cheated again and we roll our eyes and shout at the TV ‘what do you expect’ now you are that person. Now you have people making the fact that your partner cheated on you and you still with them into a topic for gossip and a reason to laugh at your expense.
People may even disagree with your choice. People will ask you why and you have to now defend a person who has taken an action to hurt you. How much sense does make in reality?! How stupid does this person now look to a friend/family member/colleague. Another persons actions now have a knock on effect on how your peers see you and you did nothing wrong.
Deciding if its worth it/maybe it will work:
So many people make it work after infidelity has occurred in a relationship and go on to be together for years, get married, have a family and to that I say each to their own. I speaking from experience unfortunately know I could not and would not put myself through that level of torture again.
The pressure it put on me mentally and on me confidence is not something I would like to risk putting myself through again. In my opinion nobody is worth that sacrifice to your mental health.
You want that somebody you most likely still love and have major emotional attachment to to put up a fight for you but they aren’t and it makes you feel like you are not worthy of effort or love.
They may ask you what you want them to do to fix it and really and truly most of the time there is no specific tick list of things you can do to fix it. I’ve only ever taken back a cheat once so I’ve never successfully forgiven and continued a relationship so I don’t have the answer or source code for it but I fell like I was looking for a feeling from my partner. To be made to feel like I was the only girl in the world for him again, that he adored me and truly regretted his actions now he knew what he could possibly lose.
Forgiving a cheat is definitely something you either can or cant live with. Everybody’s situations are different and its something you have to weigh up. I had no kids with this boy and no ties really we didn’t even share friends. The only thing I had to take into account was how much I would miss his family.
Emotional gone before you are physically gone: I feel that one of the differences between men and women, if a woman truly loves you but is fed up of your actions there will be a period of time where she is still in your life physically but no longer emotionally. This is something I experienced during that grey area after deciding to try to ‘make it work’. You are in a period where you are trying to get that gratification you need from your partner to confirm the love or trying to kill off your emotions and decide if its time to go.
When a woman breaks up with a guy it’s been brewing for a while unless it has come right off the back of infidelity then they are either gone immediately or the window is open for it to be saved.
Why women are better cheaters than men: Im not saying better in a positive way either, in my eyes if you don’t want what you have leave it for somebody who does. But the difference between when a man cheats vs when a woman cheats I believe is a few things.
When a woman cheats it's usually due to a lack of something, be that physical, emotional or something else. The men that they choose to cheat with in most cases will not be somebody who is going to text the man the next day to tell them. They may be from out of town, they might even be aware that this woman is lacking in an area and is just in need of a hit from them not a relationship and lets be honest what man these days isn’t going to oblige.
When a guy cheats its never a cleverly thought out process so it will be either handed to them on a plate by some vicious girl who is out to sabotage a relationship, use this information for personal gain or just some woman who has catered to their ego and the man has forgotten to mention he has a wife and kids at home.
Long term effects: The effects of cheating I’d say can be equal or even further detrimental to the victim that those of all the other stages. To put all of your heart and trust into a person and that is thrown away so carelessly can cause you to not want to take that risk again. Why would you want to potentially experience this pain again and waste precious time when you could avoid it?
How can you trust your intuition about people when you thought this person was loyal and honest only to find you were incorrect.
