Cheating..

The other side to cheating..

I have been cheated on, I have witnessed my friends going through the motions of finding out they have been cheated and I’ve also known people who are cheating or attempting to cheat.  Although opportunities have arisen I have never cheated on anybody nor have I ever had the desire or curiosity to.

Definition of cheating IMO: In my opinion cheating to me is a physical or emotional exchange with someone of your preferred sexual category of which you would similarly carry out with the person you are in a relationship with. Including but not limited to; Kissing, Sexual intercourse, Sending pictures of a sexual nature, Expressions of desire or attraction to the person directly. Especially if it is done in secret or in a sneaky manor.

Putting the person on a pedestal: Most of the time when you enter into a relationship you don't enter into it expecting a person to do you wrong. You spend time together, you grown and build a trust unlike no other. How many successful couple do you know that would legitimately trust that person with their life quite literally. The type of loving bound you build in a real relationship is probably equal to that of the love for a parent, child or sibling. This person in your eyes is amazing, you love them with your entire soul and you would do anything to make them happy emotional, physically or by gaining possession of an item.

In your eyes almost everything they do is perfect or the flaws they have you adore anyway. If you were to rank the people in your life in order of importance and love for them they are going to be right up there.

Sensing you are being lied to: Because you spend so much time with the person and without even realising you know this person more than they know themselves. How may times has your partner been in a bad mood and you can just sense it or you know the pouty face they have when they are mad. You know this persons routine, the order they do things all the small things that we don’t even notice ourselves. So when this person you know like the back of your hand starts acting different, doing little things that they would never do ever before it definitely raises red flags. You see one thing after another and as a woman you can sense something is a miss.

For instance he has always for years come in a put his phone on charge in the living room, same plus for years because we all know iPhones are pants for battery, now he would rather leave the phone in his coat pocket than leave it out in the open to charge. Now he takes the phone and charger around the house with him like it is powered on human energy. You ask a question about something but the story just doesn't fit that persons pattern.

Eventually you just start to feel it in your soul that this person who you would have sworn kept it 100 with you is hiding something and no matter how much you try and convince yourself you crazy or maybe you’ve just got something confused if your truly switched on to your partner you know and it won't go away.

Acting out of character yourself: Because you have this sense day in day out that something is up after a while and you might have even asked your partner and they’ve told you your crazy you start acting out of character yourselves. I can honestly say apart from one occasion I have NEVER checked a man’s phone, never wanted to never needed to. I might have done the little side look without even thinking too deep just because you hear the notification so you automatically turn for a split second but that was the first time I've plotted to clock his password like some FBI agent so I could go through the phone at a later date. Now a boy will try to convince you that you’re in the wrong for doing this, invasion of privacy or  will say you were looking so you found stuff.

Boy bye! As I mentioned in my 30 years on this planet even having instincts something was happening with other exes. This was the first time I ever got to this level to put me out of character where i’m doing some outlandish stuff, did I want to find bad things really in all honestly with my whole heart I wanted the phone to be clean AF. I wanted to see my man curving girls the way I curved guys. No woman I know of even when acting out of character wants to find that kind of stuff for real, trust me a good woman wants to be wrong so bad. 

Once I had locked the phone and put it back I thought to myself wow I’ve become this girl, this is not the person I have ever wanted to be but the love for this person and the fact I put them on this pedestal has lead me to seek validation that I am the one who is wrong to have these thoughts rather than them being wrong for doing anything.

Finding out: When you find out that someone has ‘Cheated’ on you, the instant pain and feelings you get are unlike no other. I have had to have some crazy medical procedures, lost family members and all the other crap stuff in life. But heartbreak is a real thing, if you legit have real adult love for that person this is honestly a feeling that stayed with me for ages even after we split up the thought of it caused me real emotional pain almost a sickness men think man flu is bad it is nothing like the feeling you get in that instance.

So many questions run through your mind at once. You start to retrace all those times you though you were overthinking actions, times things didn't add up. Its like having too many tabs open on your browser. Like when could this possibly have happened? How have I been lied to so brazenly? Why? I can honestly say having had to go through such a thing I would never wish it upon anybody else and I wouldn't ever be the cause of inflicting such deep, long lasting emotional pain on a person. The fact that somebody you have this level of bond with could carry out an action which brings upon you such a level of hurt only adds to the whole thing more.

The long term damage that cheating has on people is so real, you would have sworn on anything that this person was trust worthy. How can you even trust your own judgement?

If that isn't hard enough you now have to make the decision do you stay with your significant other and try to work past it or do you go your own way.

Going: Choosing to go your separate way from a person you have created memories, maybe children, a bond and experienced things with is not at all easy. Particularly if you have been with somebody long enough that they have become a big part of you. You are accustomed to being half of a couple, you may have even changed your whole regular routine for this relationship now you are starting with a blank page all over again. It’s not easy especially when you are hurting and you didn't plan to ever not have this person being a part of your life. You have to explain to people why this person isn't around anymore for months after when you are just trying to forget. For ages you come across things you wish you could tell/laugh about/show this person but you can’t. You are in a period of mourning for this person that is still alive and you may even have this misfortune of bumping into them once in a while. It gets better and it just depends on you how long this takes you definitely have to take a lot for mental control.

Staying: I can honestly say my whole life I have always sworn I would never give a cheating man a second chance but I was pursued to try on one occasion partially due to my love of the person, partially due to a type of peer pressure and slightly out of fear of change. I now know this is not for me, everybody is different but I would never put myself through such further hurt and mental torture again. I think in order for it to work real effort from the cheating party has to be excelled, you can’t really go back to everything being normal because a broken heart can't be mended that easily. I also think a lot of people stay these days due to how much something like this and in some cases the relationship may have broken them down confidence wise. They believe they can't do better or they are scared to be alone. They might be so damaged that they can't see that this is unacceptable and just vow to make the best of it.

The long term mental challenges of staying with a partner who has wronged you are wild. Every time their phone goes off now you no longer do a glance you genuinely try to read the screen, when they go out your just wondering is it going to happen again, when they act slightly out of character you are convinced you're going back to square one. What kind of relationship life is that for a person who has not done wrong. It’s this kind of mental torture that encourages more and more ‘crazy’ behaviour. Men love to say women are ‘Crazy’ this is not something that is taught in school this is the side affect of negative experience. A lot of people develop psychotic behaviour due to traumatic experiences this is a real thing.

If you have the misfortune of the infidelity being public or just being known by the involved parties staying with somebody who has wronged you carries an element of shame with it. How many times have you watched reality show or talk show and somebody is talking about the man that cheated on them cheated again and we roll our eyes and shout at the TV ‘what do you expect’ now you are that person. Now you have people making the fact that your partner cheated on you and you still with them into a topic for gossip and a reason to laugh at your expense.

People may even disagree with your choice. People will ask you why and you have to now defend a person who has taken an action to hurt you. How much sense does make in reality?! How stupid does this person now look to a friend/family member/colleague. Another persons actions now have a knock on effect on how your peers see you and you did nothing wrong.

Deciding if its worth it/maybe it will work:

So many people make it work after infidelity has occurred in a relationship and go on to be together for years, get married, have a family and to that I say each to their own. I speaking from experience unfortunately know I could not and would not put myself through that level of torture again.

The pressure it put on me mentally and on me confidence is not something I would like to risk putting myself through again. In my opinion nobody is worth that sacrifice to your mental health.

You want that somebody you most likely still love and have major emotional attachment to to put up a fight for you but they aren’t and it makes you feel like you are not worthy of effort or love.

They may ask you what you want them to do to fix it and really and truly most of the time there is no specific tick list of things you can do to fix it. I’ve only ever taken back a cheat once so I’ve never successfully forgiven and continued a relationship so I don’t have the answer or source code for it but I fell like I was looking for a feeling from my partner. To be made to feel like I was the only girl in the world for him again, that he adored me and truly regretted his actions now he knew what he could possibly lose.

Forgiving a cheat is definitely something you either can or cant live with. Everybody’s situations are different and its something you have to weigh up. I had no kids with this boy and no ties really we didn’t even share friends. The only thing I had to take into account was how much I would miss his family.

Emotional gone before you are physically gone: I feel that one of the differences between men and women, if a woman truly loves you but is fed up of your actions there will be a period of time where she is still in your life physically but no longer emotionally. This is something I experienced during that grey area after deciding to try to ‘make it work’. You are in a period where you are trying to get that gratification you need from your partner to confirm the love or trying to kill off your emotions and decide if its time to go.

When a woman breaks up with a guy it’s been brewing for a while unless it has come right off the back of infidelity then they are either gone immediately or the window is open for it to be saved.

Why women are better cheaters than men: Im not saying better in a positive way either, in my eyes if you don’t want what you have leave it for somebody who does. But the difference between when a man cheats vs when a woman cheats I believe is a few things.

When a woman cheats it's usually due to a lack of something, be that physical, emotional or something else. The men that they choose to cheat with in most cases will not be somebody who is going to text the man the next day to tell them. They may be from out of town, they might even be aware that this woman is lacking in an area and is just in need of a hit from them not a relationship and lets be honest what man these days isn’t going to oblige.

When a guy cheats its never a cleverly thought out process so it will be either handed to them on a plate by some vicious girl who is out to sabotage a relationship, use this information for personal gain or just some woman who has catered to their ego and the man has forgotten to mention he has a wife and kids at home.

Long term effects: The effects of cheating I’d say can be equal or even further detrimental to the victim that those of all the other stages. To put all of your heart and trust into a person and that is thrown away so carelessly can cause you to not want to take that risk again. Why would you want to potentially experience this pain again and waste precious time when you could avoid it?

How can you trust your intuition about people when you thought this person was loyal and honest only to find you were incorrect.

Money : Saving - Part 2

This is part two of my money series, you can click here to go to part one which was mostly about managing your money more efficiently day to day.

This part is going to be highly based on saving, some of these tips may apply and some are going to require real will power but if you desperately want to save they will help.

The idea of saving thousands of pounds for a designer piece, emergency fund, holiday, car or mortgage in say a year can seem very daunting if not impossible but it is definitely something that you can work on and get a better understanding of if you really want to.

Up until around a year ago the thought of saving for a deposit to buy a home seemed like a myth to me I had literally counted myself out of ever being in the position to buy but upon getting my finance in a good order and looking into it further I discovered it is really not that out of reach at all.

Save the change: Get yourself into a habit of saving in a jar/tin/piggy bank you can get them for around £1 these days and you would be surprised how much you end up saving and how it encourages you not to waste money because we all know once you break into a note the change ends up disappearing into an abyss never to be seen again.

• Make it into a challenge with a friend, family, partner or partner have a tin each and save your spare change up to a specific date the person who saves the least has to use their money for a date night/round of drinks or something but the ‘winner’ can spend theirs on whatever they want. Competition is always good to spur you on if you have a competitive nature.

• Make the effort to put something in savings every few days or on a specific day from your purse/pocket/car but leave out a little change for emergencies.

• Try a money saving challenge you can find many examples online where you save the £ amount for the date of the month/year so Day 1 : (Jan 1st) = £1 Day 2 : (Jan 2nd) = £2 and so on.

• Vow to save a particular coin I am currently saving all the new pound coins I get, I tried the new £5 notes but now cashpoints give out £5 notes so i’d be at the cash point forever trying to not get a £5 note.

"Emergency card" : A lot of people I know of have an emergency credit card that they usually keep for stuff like petrol or breakdowns which usually ends up becoming a break incase of an emergency nandos card. To avoid this dont bring the card out with you or leave it in the car if possible to avoid pulling it out at any opportunity.

Socialising: If you are trying to save for something in particular being wiser with spending socially will probably be one of your biggest areas you can change for the greatest impact, if you find yourself eating out with friends 3/4 times with a different person each day why not make it into one group meal. That way you are only buying one meal with three friends instead of three meals with three friends. Everybody loves to socialise of course and this doesn't have to be long term.

Think of it this way.. Say you go to Nando's and your typical order is £12, you go three times a week that's £36 a week then you do this three out of the 4.5 weeks of the month that's £108 per month.

Whereas if you were to go out to eat with those same friends together once a week for four weeks that is only £48 per month, giving you £60 a month you can save towards whatever it is you want.

Or If you apply this to going clubbing every week, say you spend £20 on an outfit, £20 on taxi’s, £10 on Pre-drinks, £6 entry, £20 on drinks, £4 on a pizza afterwards. That is a total of £80 per week, Approx £320-400 per month.

Of course you don’t have to cut down on these things so drastically or permanently but if you really want to save sacrifices must be made, right. I’m sure your friends will understand that you are saving for your deposit/car etc and wont make you a social pariah for missing out on a few nights out here and there.

Planned cash: There is no point going through all the hassle of organising your money, planning what your gonna spend that hard saved cash on at the end of the year/saving period if your not going to follow it. A good idea is to only take out with you or have available on your card what you plan to spend and remember chip and pin is not your friend when you are saving because your available balance/pending transactions don't always update for sometimes days. 

Online window shopping: I am guilty of buying things online when I'm bored or not feeling the best so I adopted a new way of ‘shopping’ to stop me from buying a load of things that I will only end up living in my wardrobe with the tags still on forever and ever amen lol. When I feel in the shopping mood I will utilise online wish list’s/save for laters. So I add all of the things that I am considering to the list and I will ask myself do I need this for any occasion right now? Do I have something similar in my wardrobe already? Filtering through the list and deleting the things that I don’t ‘Need’ right now or really love. I also have a personal style list so if it doesn't fit into my desired style and things I need to fulfil this then I also remove it.

Then I do the unthinkable.. I leave the site and don’t buy anything instantly if It doesn't meet my need category.

If I come back to the website at all which I have found I only tend to do on one or two of my go to sites I have a new look through my wish list/saved and assess if I still want the items. Then I go back through my ‘Do I need? Have I already got? Does it fit my personal style or is it just trendy?’ filter again. I find that when I come back to things later on weeks and months down the line I end up looking at some of the things I save like: WTF was I thinking? Where would I wear this? Was I drunk ? lol.

I recently did this with an item on ASOS it was in my wishlist for around two months I revisited it about three/four times, it went out of stock in my size but during this time and each time I still loved it and finally bought it recently and I am happy with it rather than buying something on a whim and then it ending up in the clothes donation bank by winter.

Be tight: Another big part of wasting money in this society is splurging to impress or give an image of success. Let’s be real now although likes are great for the ego when your broke likes don’t pay the bills. When you wish you had that designer bag they don't accept heart eye emojis as currency. I have felt the pressure to ‘do it for the gram’ in the past my solution for this was to stop posting every single thing I buy, place I visit, every scrap of food I eat. If you aren't posting it nobody knows anything good or bad. For all my Instagram knows I live in a 10 bedroom house or I could be homeless. I’m eating caviar for all meals or living on cereal.. Nobody knows and it takes the pressure off so much.

A good idea is having a good look at what is truly important to spend money on and not living outside of your means or even seeing where you can live a little more frugal. For instance I am a single person with no children it makes no sense for me to have a five bedroom house because it is an unnecessary expense for a single wage family and will cost me more to heat etc than a one or two bedroom flat or house.

Another area for me personally which I touched on in my last post is my phone bill, I’m not big on calling people so I don't need to pay £50 a month for 6000 minutes that I know I will never ever use no matter how included they are. It’s worth getting your monthly bills and looking into the breakdown of how much you use month to month for texts, minutes and data. Most people never even touch them so it is worth seeing if its something you can reduce to save some money. Even if you are on a 12 or 24 month contract from my experience working in a phone shop once you have paid off the balance of the phone itself some networks will take your up on the suggestion to reduce your tariff for the remainder of the contract term then you can choose to renew, cancel or take a monthly sim to suit your needs after this point.

Networks offer great sim only deals for 1 month or 12 months which may be more beneficial and could save you around £10-30 per month if you don’t exceed your limits. Should you ever find a cheaper offer elsewhere you are not tied in for 24 months so you can change and save more.

Every little helps :)

Saving for a treat: I am an advocate for spending wisely and not letting social media make you broke but I say that to say this I do like nice things, really nice things at times. I own a few pairs of designer shoes and I have my eye on my dream car and a designer bag at the moment. I don’t think it's fair that anybody should be working just to save every penny forever and ever and it's unrealistic.

When I first started being super organised with my money I wanted to try to buy something I had wanted for a while as a test. I decided for my next birthday I wanted a pair of shoes that cost around £425, I knew I had wanted them for over a year at this point and originally thought that this was unrealistic. I had taken my time to really research them, how they would fit into my life and style and still loved them. When I told someone I wanted them I was met with so much negativity but I’m not one to be easily bothered when my mind is set on something. I knew that if I wanted the shoes by July of the following year without any major interruption to my spending/saving I would need to save a minimum of £40 a month, which is about what most people pay on a phone contract. I looked at my year spreadsheet assessed if I could afford the amount and added it amongst my expenditures for £40 per month and bought the shoes for my birthday :) now I am in a different place with my financial organisation to the point that if I wanted to do this again I could definitely do this in a reduced amount of time but It was a start and an experiment.

This method is something you can apply when you have your money so well organised, If I want something I literally just slot it into my spreadsheet and I can tell when I will be able to buy it be that in two months or 2 years. I did the same thing to buy my electronics, my car and have multiple things I am saving for currently I now have a clear time scale of when I can buy these things and the freedom to change things around if I wish or if something comes up.

I know how I have worded those ideas it may seem like I think it is so so easy to save honestly I have my moments and I talk to my friends all the time about stuff like this.If you are bad at saving monthly, try using the following methods to help:

The envelope method: Get some kind of envelope per item you want. Write what it is or stick a picture on the front of it (you can even add the total price you need). Then every month draw your dedicated amount from your spreadsheet out of the cash point and put it in the designated envelope and tuck it away. If that is too tempting for you to have it so easily accessible give the envelope to a loved on you can trust; parent, sibling, bestie and you’ll be less likely to dip in when you’ve gotta ask for it.

Alternatively there is the option to have accounts you can pay into buy you have limit of the amount of times per year you are allowed to draw money out and even the option that you can only draw the money out by going into the branch or by closing the account down altogether a lot of hassle to go through which may make you double think the trip to town just to draw out £10 for a random item you don't need.

Saving for no damn reason: If you don’t have anything in particular you want just yet save anyway, designate a certain amount monthly in your budget to save be that £10 which come Christmas time will mean £120 or £100 per month giving you £1200 by the end of the year to treat yourself to something. This will get you into the habit of saving something monthly as standard.

Don’t save too hard: One of the biggest downfalls of saving is over saving, really stretching yourself financial and sacrificing all to save. If you are new to saving you might struggle if you cut yourself off completely all at one time so try cutting down on a few things at a time get this set in stone and see what works for you. This will give you time to adjust your numbers and/or add new things on where you see fit. Otherwise you will most likely fall flat off the waggon, go on a major shopping spree ending up with you in a heap of clothing on your bedroom floor lol.

If you do really struggle with the desire to not spend on yourself unnecessarily then budget in some ‘me money’ monthly to treat yourself to a little something that will not break the bank but will feed that desire to buy. For a while I knew I wanted to collect Yankee Candles for my new home so I literally scheduled in £23.99 for a Yankee Candle into my monthly budget and this became a little treat for me monthly. Once I had a billion and one candles I changed to wanting new make up frequently so I changed this to whatever the price was for the item I wanted each month which is not always the same but it was in the budget.

It might seem over the top but I promise you budget everything.. everything!

If you are saving to the max because you are about that life remember to take a break from saving or have something planned for once you have reached your goal. I literally schedule two big saving breaks a year for my birthday and Christmas where I don’t pledge to save a single penny for that payday and use the money to reward myself when I’ve achieved the previous saving goal or saving so well for the last 6 months. In all honesty I am bit obsessed with saving now so even those months I end up saving most of it but the option is there should I not want to.

Friends and Family: I know as mentioned that the idea of talking about money in this day and age seems like the ultimate taboo but another great idea is to let family members and friends know that you are saving for something big. I have a friend who had made it very clear to me that they were saving very hard for a mortgage and I have friends who I know aren't the best with money so I always take this into account for them without making a point of it whatsoever. If we do arrange to meet up I will always suggest things that are either free, the cheaper option or where they are not in a position where they feel like they have to spend a grand amount of money. For instance we will go for shisha with friends as we know this will be split between us so many ways or a food place where it's not necessarily a starter, main and dessert set up. Another option we used to do so much when we were younger ESA days is take advantage of the good old fashioned pub lunch 2 for 1, Two meals for £8.99, Drink and a burger day. Rather than going to a fancy steakhouse 3 nights a week, in the long run you are helping yourself and your friend because you can still socialise and both parties are saving money.

If you are feeling super thrifty one person get a bottle one person get a take away in a bag from the supermarket or what not. Girls night in Et Voila!

Saving for a house - Aswell as your standard ISA’s and savings account that are usually offered by the bank there are now ISA’s in partnership with the government which are aptly named a ‘help to buy ISA’ which is specifically catered to first time buyers. This usually entails an initial deposit of up to £1200 upon opening the account then you can add up to £200 per month following this. So you save in this and when you come to buy a house they will give you 25% of the amount (up to £3000) towards the purchase of the property. If you choose to withdraw the money to use elsewhere then you would not revive the 25% but will get all of your deposited money back no matter what.

This is something that you can do as a single person or two people can combine two ISAs at the point of purchase to buy.

You can find This is part two of my money series, you can click here to go to part one which was mostly about managing your money more efficiently day to day.

This part is going to be highly based on saving, some of these tips may apply and some are going to require real will power but if you desperately want to save they will help.

My favourite free apps: 

Savings Goals: you can literally create a little online piggy bank for the thing you are saving for and each month you update it to add the amount you have added in, this is a good app if you are a visual person because you can see the money piling up to the top. It also gives you further options for reaching your goal but I just like the visual element of seeing all the lil pots of gold coins. 

Excel: I use excel the most to plot my monthly, annual and 5 year financial plans. If I could tell you to use any tool Excel is it seeing all your spending each month on what all in a list is the biggest wake up call ever.

Savings accounts, Shares an ISAs: This is something that I am still trying to wrap my head around myself to be totally honest. Growing up I had no idea that I could have shares, I thought that was something they only did on Wall Street. Come to find out when I started working at the company I work at now they offer this as a thing and everybody does it.. say what?!

For now this isn't something that I have taken a dive into purely because I would like to get a good understanding of how it works before I invest as it’s all new to me. I’ve been there coming up to three years now and I have seen peoples shares mature and gotten tiny bits of feedback from people.. I will adventure into the unknown for further information.

Most banks actually have financial advisers staffed who can talk to you about the best type of account for you, advice on mortgages, how to look after your money and some offer incentives for being a regular save. If you are not the best with saving they can offer an account that is harder to withdraw from regularly i/e you have to go into branch or have a limit to the number of withdrawals in a fixed period. You can set up a standing order to the account and have a trusted family member hold onto the details of this for you, so your aunt who lives next door but one might not be the best option but say your mum lives a mile or so away give her your card and unopened pin to the account.

Money : Organising - Part 1

Hey! Dirty! Baby I gotcha money...

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Ha Ha. I was inspired to write a blog about money more so how to save it and be money wise for a few reasons;

I honestly believe that this should be something that is taught in school along with all that great stuff we sat exams for that we don't use day to day. Nobody really encourages you to save as a child or teenager, you're not taught how to get a mortgage or the importance of keeping a good credit score. There is no education on the type of bills you will need to pay should you leave home. It is kind of a taboo subject, why? 

We all earn and spend money in some way for the majority of our lives, why is it that people are so secretive and ashamed when it comes to money?! I digress.

I have had some bad money handling moments in the past and have witnessed some of my friends really struggle to get to grips with handling their money. This is something I have only taken the time to focus on putting right for myself in the last few years. My turning point was when I was going through my paperwork when moving house and I stumbled across a plastic folder I kept all my payslips in since my first job at 17. I decided to add up my total earnings thus far… I nearly fell off my chair because when I saw the number and thought back as I couldn’t actually recall anything of great significance I had spent that much money on in my 10+ years of working life. This was one of the main things that spurred me to want to change how I spend my money. I am not the best. I am still a work in financial progress but I’m in a better place than I was 2/3 years ago financially due to a few little tweaks I have made.

I don't say this because I think everybody should save every penny they ever earn and never spend it, I just think it can be used more wisely.

I warn you now this post won’t be short and some light maths on my part are involved but it will make you think. If you are on the journey or want to start I will provide the tools I have used to become better so far. Some of the advice I will provide may not suit your needs or might be something you can adapt a little. This is from what I know from my experience and discussions I have had with friends, family and peers. I am not a trained financial adviser and i’ve not studied finance or anything of that nature. I just got fed up of not being able to treat myself to nice things and not knowing where my money was going.

Any numbers used are just random numbers I have conjured up while writing this up to give you a rough idea.

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Get Started: Step 1 - The first thing that I would advise everybody to do is take some time to get together your latest bills, a recent bank statement or if you have Internet banking you can utilise this. You should be able to check your direct debits, credit card balances and phone bill with the use of apps alone.

What you are going to do is make a spreadsheet of two columns (see example below) you can do this on excel if you have it available or on paper. Down the left hand side list everything you have to spend money on every month without fail (rent/mortgage, petrol, council tax, water, phone) then start a separate section just below it for things you can give or take include everything. I have included in mine nails, socialising, Netflix.. EVERYTHING! Now down the right hand side you will add how much each one of these things costs, be as specific and honest as possible (if you don’t know to the penny put an average, you can always update this when you get the bill).

Once that is in place add all of those numbers together (or use a formula if you are using a spreadsheet) then subtract this number from whatever your total monthly wage is, welcome to the golden number of money that is vanishing monthly. 

As long as you have added absolutely everything to your spreadsheet you can now work on using that 'spare money' more wisely by adding in a extra box for the month of what you are going to use the money for. So you can add ' Make up - £25" 'Save for Holiday - £100'. I honesty can't express in words how useful this is when you put it fully into practise, once you get used to doing it you can get more advanced with it mine is colour coded and all sorts.

Example of a spread sheet:

This alone has been one of the best tools I have shared with people, so simple but will really make you evaluate where your money is going and show you where you need to make adjustments.

You can do this for months ahead or do it each month ahead of pay day, I personally have a 12 month running spreadsheet going at all times so I know that if something comes up I can plan for it months in advance.

If you are still not sure where your money goes simply take a look at a months worth of transactions and see where you tend to be spending the most at. My banking app (lloyds) actually has a pie chart online where it divides it up for you on what type of things you are spending your money on. 

Banking and Direct Debits: Step 2 - Another thing that I do personally and always advise my friends to do if they get confused with money easily is have multiple bank accounts, for example I personally have three accounts one for bills, an ISA/savings account and my main/day to day account.

On payday all my wages are paid into one of my accounts. Before I do any other shopping, go to work or anything I transfer my total amount for bills (The top part of the spreadsheet) straight over to my bills account which is the account that all of my direct debits are attached to. Doing this means I know no matter what I do with the rest of my money all my bills are sorted and I don't carry the card for this account with me or know the pin code.

Then with the remaining money in line with the 50/30/20 rule which I will go into further I transfer a small amount into my main account which is my card I carry with me to pay for the other things from the bottom of the spreadsheet and misc purchases leaving the rest in my savings account to build up.

It is wise to contact all the companies you pay direct debits to and discuss changing it so that all of your direct debits come out on the same day or within a few days of each other. A few days after payday is best to take into account bank holidays and weekends.

The 50/30/20 Rule: So from searching the Internet for tips for money and saving I saw this ‘rule’ keep poping up which states you should divide your monthly income into these three amounts.

50% - Living costs/Essentials: Housing, Food, Transport and Utilities.

30% - Lifestyle, non essentials: Clothes, Hobbies and Socialising

20% - Financial priorities: Debts, Saving and Retirement.

Now this is a rough guide, but a guide nonetheless. It’s a good place to start when you want to look at what you should be spending your money on and if you are living outside of your means. You can always adjust the % according to your needs as with everything but it's good to have a guideline to work from.

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Extra tips:

Contactless Payments: This is something to watch out for when paying for things. When the option first came out I though it was the best invention ever, I had an apple watch at the time so I was loving life not having to get my card out or even put my pin in. However the thing with those payments is they often don’t even get subtracted or appear in ‘pending transactions’ for a good while after you have made them so if you are not careful you can end up over spending on accident because your available balance is not accurate at that moment in time. So I would advise against using this where possible if you are trying to keep a good track of your spending.

Budgeting: If you have made your plan and set yourself a budget for something for example £10 a week on food for work. Consider leaving you card at home or in the car and only keep the £10 in your purse/wallet. This will stop you from pulling out your card for ease, going shopping after work, online shopping on breaks and the change you have left for that week you can either save or carry over to the next week.

You can apply this method to a night out, shopping trip or a meal with friends. If you don't have it with you, you cant spend it.

Clearing/ staying out of Debt: If you have debts that aren't already being taken out of your wage automatically. Two great ways to get rid of them are if you have a large sum of cash you have saved contact the debt recovery agency and discuss a discounted lump sum payment, they will either take it or offer you another option for a discount which you are free to decline and then continue with your monthly payments. So rather than paying £20 per month for the next 6000 years for an old phone bill (Guilty) they can give you a discount to just clear it there and then.

Also if for instance you are paying two debts/credit cards/catalogues off at £20 each per month and you clear one, instead of adding that £20 to your spending fund add that to the one you are still paying off and that will clear that one faster. So you would then be paying the second one at £40 per month and in half the time it would have taken you before it will be cleared.

If you don’t have any debt at present avoid getting things on credit where possible including car finance, credit cards, catalogues and furniture. I used to fall victim to taking out 24 month contracts to get the latest phone then a new one comes out two months later and your stuck with an old brick. When I did the maths it actually worked better for myself for me to buy the phone outright and get a sim only deal.

Example: For the latest phone they usually want about £50 upfront, then it's around £49 per month for 24 months providing you never go over any of your allowances bring that to a total of £1226.

Buying the phone outright is usually around £500 then you can choose a PAYG option or a monthly sim-only deal which are usually available from £10 per month and you have the option to change your tariff each month if something better comes along. This may not always be best for everybody if they are not good at saving a lump sum but it is an option nonetheless.

Similar methods apply to car finance, catalogues and credit cards. It's almost always better to buy the thing you want cash that get it on credit and end up paying for it two sometimes three times over.

Credit score: Your credit score is now available for you to check for free so it's worth getting a copy up, It wasn't until I got mine up around a year ago it was bought to my attention things were on there that had been cleared or that i'd never even heard of. Log story short I had a closed bank account on there from when I was 21 that had been accumulating overdrawn charges for years so I contacted them directly via email to advise this account had been closed and I wasn't told upon closing it that anything was due out or any charges would be taken. This was wiped from my history all together and the money I had paid to clear it in the meantime refunded back to me.

If you have defaults on your account don't apply for anything you don't have to, most credit checks you will do in the future for say a car or house will only look back a year or so start now don't apply for anything pay stuff on time now. In a years time your score is going to look fabulous compared to now.

If I'm looking for insurance quotes for my car for example I use faux details so it doesn't add on to my search history on my credit score at all.

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Things you can change: If you want to make tiny changes that will effect you in the long run and prepare you for the bigger life expenditures we make like having a family and buying houses. Try implementing things like:- 

• Living a more minimalist lifestyle. 
• Being a more organised person in general; which will in turn stop you buying things you have already or that you don’t need to stock up on just yet. 
• Spend wiser by buying cheap where possible or high quality is not required. 
• If you find yourself throwing half of something away on a regular basis get it in a smaller quantity. 
• Look for alternative or multi use products. 
• Shop used/second hand. 
• Meal planning before going shopping.
• Save big purchases for when the sales are on. 
• Don't buy things you have more than enough of already.
• Sell/donate things you no longer use anymore.
• Avoiding the ‘latest fashion’ as within a few months a cheap copy will usually be available and in turn you’ll end up throwing it away sooner.
• Look for dupes/inspired by.
• Make an online wish list to share with relatives/friends of things your hoping to accumulate. This saves them wasting money on something you don't really want, stressing about what to buy you for an occasion and saves you buying it yourself. Abit unconventional but worth a go. 

♥

If you have made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read this post and I hope that you have taken something useful away from it.

Part 2 of 2 will be about saving money.

My Cancer Experience : Part Five - After treatments and FAQs

Today March 1st 2017 marks five years since I had my last ever chemotherapy treatment..

This isn't the usual way to mark something but I use this to mark it for two reasons one because there wasn't a specific date that I was told ‘you are all clear’ as I had a lot of complications near the end of the 6 month treatment cycle due to the extensive scaring of my lungs and breathing problems I went on to have a series of scans and tests to ensure my lungs were okay after the chemotherapy had long finished and also as the last time I had that needle pumping drugs into my body it felt like more of a landmark to me because it was over.

The reason why five years is such a big landmark is at this stage the chances of it returning drop significantly. This is something that will always be in the back of my mind for the rest of my life but its a little less scary now.

I will put some tips IMO for people going through it or people who know people going through it, I'm not a Dr I'm just throwing ideas out there from my experience.

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So once all of the treatments are over and you just have to go back to see the specialist once in a while you can tell people you're ‘better’ it is very easy to begin to feel lost very fast, you go from being prodded and poked on a daily basis, being asked so many questions about how you've been living your life from your diet to the unmentionables to then go to literally nothing it can be very strange.

In my case within a few months of beginning my treatment I pretty much started to look like my ‘normal’ self again apart from my hair being shorter but my weight was back, I was going out clubbing and socialising like nothing had changed. Nobody would say to look at me that later that week I would be pumped with radioactive drugs and be looking and feeling like fresh hell. Once you start to look better people definitely don't understand and start to under estimate what is really going on because surely somebody who looks how I did at this time couldn't have been going through something so life changing. This is a classic case of not judging a book by it's cover which i'm pretty used to but I could imagine has the possibility to really upset some people.

For around 8-12 months after my treatment had officially ended I was still at a dangerously low level immunity, energy and susceptible to every cold, flu and germ going as well as my lung damage being looked into. Still having to be very careful cleaning everything all the time, limited eating options which was similar to eating like a pregnant lady no raw fish etc and not being able to eat out places (or in my case being extremely careful what I ordered off the menu and where from). Feeling quite nauseous with a motion sickness like feeling from time to time and also still dealing with a lot of mental demons/rapid changes. I wasn't able to go back to work which to most people sounds like heaven it was for the first month or so but there is only so much daytime TV and shopping one person can do before you just want to scream. The whole diagnosis, treatment and recovery process left me out of work for almost 2 years by which time I was itching to get back to normal life however I was very much restricted my job I had at the time had involved a lot of lifting, running up and down stairs and getting up very early which looking back now I probably would have done myself more harm than good had my Dr let me go back as much as I loved that job this was not something I was able to go back to even a year later. The job was far too strenuous and the damage to my lungs would mean it would take a while before I could even think about being that active again.

Some of the things I had to do whilst I was ill I shouldn't really have been doing but needs must I lived on my own so I still had to cook, clean and do my shopping as I didn't have anybody to really help me at all.

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This experience has taught me many things including what I am capable of mentally and physically as a person had you told me 6 years ago I would have gone through such a tough time and still come out the other side the person I am today I would have laughed out loud. If I can look after myself to the level I had to and remain positive through this the trivial things I may get complacent about now aren't even comparable. We all have bad days and even I forget how far I have come from time to time we all do.

Two years after my last treatment I took part in the cancer research race for life with my mum to raise money for cancer research. Two of my colleagues are doing walks/runs for cancer research if you want to donate at all.

Sarahs Page

Carly's Page

I tell every person that I discuss this with that I truly believe my positive attitude played a huge factor of me getting through one of the worlds deadliest illnesses the way I did.

I laughed, I cried, Sometimes I wanted to give up all together but I have to be grateful because so many people don’t make it and get diagnosed too late to even try. I am so lucky.

The love of my life aka my grandad died of lung cancer when I was 11 I never thought I would one day go through a similar experience as him. Its unfortunate that so many people are affected by cancer in their lifetime in one way or another. I have friends who are without parents, children, siblings and friends because of cancer my heart goes out to each and every one of them.

At times I am not entirely sure why me to be honest but It is not something that I am unappreciative of ever, I try to go forward in life knowing this is a second chance.

♥

Tips and advice:

Suffers and Survivors - 

• Take somebody with you to the hospital who is going to get you laughing again, we all have friends and family members for different occasions. I couldn't have go through those long hospital days without my strong mother who laughed along with me to stop us both from crying instead.
• Also prepare yourself with loads of ‘things to do’ books, colouring, a tablet, handheld console or simply a pen and paper.
• It’s scary and it might feel like you're the only person in the world going through it but don’t push your loved ones away because they don't totally understand, they are not hurting the same but they most likely are in their own way.
• If you have the money to look online (amazon,ebay etc) or go to a local beauty supply store and look for lace front or full lace wigs. The NHS wigs are free and will do but they are synthetic hair and bulky. There are various videos on YouTube about making wig look natural, reviews of suppliers and how to style them. They range anything from about £40+ depending on what you want.
• Speak to or visit the site for Macmillan cancer support they are honestly so helpful, knowledgeable, have so much literature and advice that they can offer you and your loved ones with.

Friends and family: 

• If ever there is a time to just do the most random stuff with the person going through this, the time is now. Depending on how they are feeling go out to do activities, have a movie night/sleep over, take a mini breakaway. Most importantly have a conversation. 
• When they are in this bubble of not able to be ‘normal’ it is so easy for people to shut each other out and avoid talking this is not the best way for all.
• Let the person know that you are there for them, with all of the things that come along with having cancer they may not want to be a burden or ask.
• Don’t treat them like they are dying.
• Macmillan and the hospital counsellors are there for you aswell not just the person affected by the cancer definitely take a look what they have to offer if not for yourself for the person who is ill and may not be able to look into these things themselves.

♥

If anybody has any questions at all, I’m always happy to share my experience or help anybody if I can. Email me at: yellauxbusiness@gmail.com or if you have me on any social media feel free to message me. Never think that it is something I wouldn't want to help with or talk about, If my experience can help anybody I am more than happy to discuss.

I’m also so very grateful for anybody who has taken their time out to read any or all of this series. I know everything is video based these days but I’m not confident enough and my accent is not the best for me to be doing all that but thank you, spread the knowledge and I pray this is not something any of you or your loved ones have to ever go through.

♥

Links to the other parts of this series:

Part One : Discovering a problem

Part Two: Finding out and telling others 

Part Three: Treatments and scans
Part Four: Chemotherapy and side effects.

Macmillan's website

Information in this post is of my personal experience and may differ from other cases.

Letter To My Ex..

This post is inspired by a video I saw by ShanBoody, where she did a verbal letter to 4 exes.

This isn't a 'letter' to slam anybody's character or discredit anybody.

Just a brief address to a couple of exes in no particular order and no names. I guess if they were to ever read it they may realise it's about them buy I don't feel that would be an issue as I'm not about to slander anybody. Just thought I would give it a try.. bants.

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Dear Ex.. Our relationship grew from a friendship, I believe that we both knew at that time without even saying so that we surely can't just be friends our vibe is not the same as others. Our level of love for each other was something that even our friends could see was undeniable because they were a driving force setting us up to be in places, rooms, events & conversations together.

Through over a decade of knowing each other not necessarily always speaking frequently you have always been a person I know in my heart although I have never tested it that I could count on no matter what be that giving me advise, talking about cars or if I was stranded in the middle of nowhere and needed help. I truly believe if it wasn't for an ex-girlfriend intervening day in and day out and rumours of me being interested in somebody what we had could have been amazing.

To be totally honest I am not sure why we never really discussed why it went the way it did, we still remained quite close friends for so long afterwards.

Anybody that knows you knows that you are an amazing talented special soul. I have been sad to learn of the way people have taken advantage of that. You have/will always hold a special place in my heart because of who you are and because you are 100% the one that got away. I will always support you, want to know you and pop up on WhatsApp just to say hey because I care, I have always and will always care.

♥

Dear Ex.. This is not the first time I have written you a letter, just a different type. Throughout high school you were the best friend I had. I have never met anybody else that I could literally talk to for 7 hours a day on the phone, 7 days a week after spending every available moment with till this day. Never in a million years did I think the person I was best friends with most of my life would turn into a relationship years down the line out of the blue.

I cannot fault our relationship at that time in any way whatsoever. You always treated me with love, respect, admiration and most of all with the appreciation that I was the best friend you had had for all these years not somebody new. Even our break up was fine which is probably why we are still able to be friends.

Over 15 years on, time spent away and only one argument ever I wonder had that one choice have been different where the friendship or relationship would have lead. I respect the love you have for your children and the honesty we have no matter the time, place or subject.

You will always be my homie no matter who is around and I will always be here for you whether you are up or down.

♥

Dear Ex.. I wish you nothing but happiness, good health and prosperity :)

♥

That was actually quite therapeutic to do, no drafting up an idea just writing away like a proper letter. 

My Cancer Experience : Part Four - Chemotheraphy and symptoms

Growing up my top three biggest fears were losing my hair, not having children and of course losing loved ones.

Unfortunately two out of three of these were things that I would have to face like it or not during this battle.

graphic topics labeled with*

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Infertility: 

If you know me outside of work/the internet/clubs you will know I love all of the kids in my family, of my friends dearly and my long term goal has always been to become a primary school teacher. I have always wanted children of my own and still do hopefully one day. 

Of all of the things that ran through my mind when I find out I had cancer I wasn't even aware that fertility could be affected by cancer treatments whatsoever it just isn't something that you associate with it or hear much about. So you can imagine when I was told that this is a possibility I was heart broken to say the least. At the time I found out the severity of this I was in a room with this Dr and my mum as if this big bomb shell wasn't just dropped on me the Dr then immediately proceeded to discuss things like freezing eggs and the process. 

I was extremely overwhelmed by all the information I wasn't expecting to be getting on this day and very upset however I instantly had a new found respect for anybody who goes through IVF as it is not an easy process at all. It is not as simple as having the money and all that designer baby stuff that we are lead to believe. Amongst other things you have to inject yourself daily, record all these things about your body in detail, to have the egg fertilised on the NHS they have all these criteria you and your partner have to meet you would honesty think you were adopting not using your own eggs.

I was sure this was not something that I would be willing to put myself through right now to have the eggs taken when I was still mentally preparing myself for the start of the chemotherapy so opted to pass. What will be will be, if I am supposed to have children I will if not I will love my god babies, nieces and nephews like they are my own and look into adoption possibly.

I will say that this is something that years on every day still haunts my thoughts. My goals in life have never really been heavily about earning loads of money, having possessions or travelling. I just always wanted to work, own a home and be a good wife and mother.

♥

Hair loss: 

If you speak to most people these days and mention something like a hair dresser cutting more that a millimetre of their hair off you can literally see them cringe right in front of you, nobody wants to lose any hair no matter how much you have. I have always had very long hair since I was a small child always down to the bottom of my back at least and i’d never been one to do anything drastic to it; When I was about 18 I dyed it pink underneath but thats as wild as I got.

When I found out I had cancer I immediately though I'm going to be sick looking and bald. I wasn't ready for this and the thought of having to wear a wig honestly conjured up all kinds of visions in my mind. Although I am no stranger to things of that nature due to being in a black family which is predominantly women and I had previously used partial weaves, clip ins and glued in some tracks but this had always been an optional extra and I was free to take them out at my will and still have hair.

To most people who knew me at this time and to my own surprise this part was something I came around to the idea of quite quickly and pretty much just thought if this is whats happening there is no point trying to fight it. Around two weeks after my first treatment I went to a local barbers a few streets away and got a section of my hair shaved off of the side (Cassie Ventura style) The guy in there was not trying to do it for me whatsoever, I didn't tell him why I was doing it I just said ‘Look, i’ve come here on my own. I haven't bought anybody for moral support this is my decision and I want it off’ eventually and very skeptically he did it (I will attach some pictures below) the next day I had to attend my Aunts wedding in huddersfield and i’m sure my my family who at this point didn't know anything about me being ill must have thought I was totally crazy. 

The first time I noticed a big change wasn't a good experience at all as I rinsed my hair one day which I opted to wash over a bath incase of such occurrence I literally just saw so much of my hair flowing down the bath with the flow of the water. I burst into tears wet hair and all and honestly just sobbed till my hair was nearly dry. I lived on my own at the time and didn't really have anybody to call who I believed would support me. I eventually just went to bed and avoided the mirror at all costs for a few days because I didn't know what to expect.

As my treatments went on I would be so anxious to brush my remaining hair and even waking up every morning I expected to see my whole hair on the pillow next to me, this never happened. It just shed and broke off way more than normal.. after around three months I ended up with really thin hair at the bottom just above shoulder length and it pretty much stayed this way for the rest of my treatment time so I was never bald. It took my hair about a year to grow back, thick and not breaking off and now almost 5 years on my hair is longer than it was before I was ill and in better condition as all the years of my my mum relaxing it and me straightening had long gone.

The hospital do offer a wig fitting service they give you a free wig if you want one and they will even cut it for you, but the options are not the best and for some reason the woman decided a nice Rihanna red would suit me, which I was thankful for but also glad I didn't have to use. Me and my mum did take a nice little day trip to the local “black hair shop” aka beauty supply shops one of the days we had a laugh trying on all kinds of wigs and giving our best Tina turner impressions which I will say lifted my spirits and made me feel slightly better about what options were available to me.

They do also have the option at the hospital to have a ‘cold cap’, this is a gel filled cap you wear during and for a while after your treatment and it is said to reduce the amount of the chemotherapy that reaches your hair follicles. I didn't try this as I had already accepted my fate with my hair. If it works is very much on a case by case basis i've not met anybody who has used one so can't say first hand if this is a good option.

As well as losing your hair on your head you can also potentially lose hair on your entire body head to toe… yes everywhere. In some cases people are said to have different hair colour and/or texture grow back.

Here are some pictures of my hair journey at this time: 

Picture one: is when I shaved half and you can see some of my actual hair at the time.

Picture two: my hair 6 months after and 2 years after last treatment

♥

Chemotherapy treatment*:

I myself was on a trial treatment call ABVD (Adriamycin, Blemycin, Vinblastine, Dacarbazine) minus the B as I had a high presence of cancer in my lungs which the Blemycin could have reacted badly, as a side effect of this is lung damage which the Dr’s felt they did not want to chance as I would already have a chance of this anyway.

Other side affects may also include: Nausea, Vomiting, Low blood count, Allergic reactions, Neuropathy & Infertility.

At the hospital dependant on your state you either sit in a chair or stay in a hospital bed if your are unable to walk/sit etc. Some people have a permanent line put in their vein usually in the chest area or just a standard cannula which is that thing they put in your vein on the back of your hand and put the big sticker over it to keep it still. You may have seen on TV or had one where they can attach a bag and pump things in to your blood stream. As my treatment was bi-weekly I didn't need a line put in so they would give me a fresh cannula every time I went. This sometimes leaves you with a bit of a bruise for a day or two and on one occasion I had a student nurse spray my blood like a horror movie around the cubicle.

They then hook you up to the machine and you literally get pumped with the various drugs one by one, some are just in a small tube that they combine with the fluids, some have to be protected from day light and some make your urine pink. It’s all quite strange feeling and experiencing but interesting, unfortunately I was not allowed to have anybody sat with me whilst I had this I believe due to the radiation so my mum would disappear for a few hours and come back for me later.

I soon learnt to take a big bag of stuff to do iPad, BlackBerry etc and the nurses kept me tea fuelled. 

The whole process takes a 2-3 hours all together then in my case free to go about the rest of my day I just had to be mindful that I may start to feel nauseous and weak so would often just go home to relax.

There are some strange side affects you get while having the treatments; mine was mainly the feeling of instantly being itchy over you whole body and some of the drugs were very cold when they go through your body. Also TMI** one makes your urine pink.

♥

Hospital trips:

During my diagnosis, treatment and after care I spent a lot of time at three different hospitals the furthest being around 15 miles away, Approximately 30-40 visits in a 6 month period. Once all of this is over I then had to attend every bi-monthly for blood checks, to be weighed and to check my general health after a year this is reduced to every 4-6 months now 5 years on I have an annual check.

So the hospital appointments don't just stop at your last treatment.

Only one of the hospitals gave us a discount for parking which as you can imagine visiting that often never for short periods of time we ended up spending a lot on over priced parking.

The staff at Wolverhampton hospital I cannot fault one bit they made such a bad time for both me and my mum easier, always willing to help and spoke to me like I was an adult and with empathy. Whereas the hospital I was diagnosed at it was quite a hellish experience I was often stuck in rooms with 5 or very elderly very sick patients who kept me up all night and not being kept informed at all of what was going on until my mum turned up and they would tell her the information.

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Nausea:

For a few days after each course of the treatment you can experience severe nausea and vomiting as a side affect of the drugs. I only experienced nausea on a few occasions very lightly.

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Eating/Diet: 

If you do suffer from nausea you are advised to eat things such as baby food.. because it has a decent amount of nutrition without having any strong harsh flavour for your stomach or to come back up.

As I was a stone and a half under my original weight if I could eat it is best to eat higher calorie foods to try to gain weight so cheese on everything, all the foods you would normally eat in small doses are a go to gain the weight back which along with the steroids to help the chemotherapy didn't take long to return at all.

The only other things about the diet you have to avoid is things like blue cheese and raw food due to your white blood cells being low and being prone to illness easier.

♥

Links to the other parts of this series:

Part One : Discovering a problem

Part Two: Finding out and telling others 
Part Three: Treatments and Scans.

information in this post is of my personal experience and may differ from other cases.